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Apple patents Big Bang in order to squash Competitors

  • Posted on September 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

CUPERTINO. – Apple has filed a patent on the Big Bang in order to strengthen its patent portfolio on Virtually Anything™. The patent was announced in a brief e-mail consisting of only two sentences.

Apple was first and will always be the first company to invent stuff. We build the Universe. Steve.

Insider experts believe this message to be genuine since it fits the style of Steve Jobs’ random e-mail and short message conversations. In addition parts of the message were found scribbled on a piece of paper in a bar, thus documenting the integrity of the e-mail. Apple is known only to leave verified company secrets in local bars.

The patent application hasn’t been published yet, but Apple’s lawyers are currently fighting every company on the planet that is manufacturing „square metal-reinforced rectangle with a centered screen and rounded corners“. They told journalists that once the Big Bang is patented, everything else is just a copy of Apple’s invention of our existence. „We were first, and the patent documents this fact.“, an unnamed source from the legal team was quoted by a journalist who just yesterday had a fatal car accident. Provided the patent is granted to Apple it would certainly turn the tables for all ongoing court cases regarding its products. Apple could then even sue the scientific community, all religions, all governments, the Internet and every cute kitten on the planet.

The USPTO wasn’t available for comment. We believe that they ponder the Supreme Court’s comment on the patentability of a genetically modified bacterium quoting the Congressional report leading up to the 1952 Act that “anything made by man under the sun” should be patentable. Once the patent is granted, Apple could sue the USPTO for its existence, so it might take some time and consideration.